These days it seems as if every approach to diet and fitness is but a flash in the pan, a passing fad, a gimmick. You may be searching for a clear solution to the complex problem of nutrition, but instead find a seemingly infinite amount of books and websites, each claiming to contain the secret to success. How could anyone know where to begin? Well, search no more! Finally, a practical and easy solution for better nutrition, higher energy and increased muscle mass. If this sounds like something you’ve been seeking, read on!
Before breakfast: Pack your clothes, bed and food into a sack, 40-lb maximum
For breakfast: Say a prayer to the stove gods that your stove will work and boil 2 cups water for oatmeal and coffee/tea.
9 a.m.–10 a.m.: Lift 40-lb bag (1 rep) onto back, walk 2 miles (at variable grade), lift 2 5-ounce hiking poles (500 reps), take 40-lbs off (1 rep), change out of sweaty warm clothes, drink a litre of water, lift 40-lb back onto back.
10 a.m.–12:30 p.m.: Carry 40-lbs 2.5 miles up a mountain not of your choice, throw bag down, eat 2 Clif bars, a handful of nuts and a few slices of cheese (with or without crackers). Take break. Look around. Climb fire-tower if available.
1 p.m–4 p.m.: Lift 40-lbs onto back, drink another litre of water, walk/climb 6 miles, lift 5-ounce hiking poles (1500 reps), throw bag down, remove boots, ask self what you are doing with your life, sit down, look around, eat 1 Clif bar and some dark chocolate, stand up.
4:30 p.m.–7:30 p.m.: Lift 40-lbs onto back, consume 1 litre of water, walk 5-10 miles at fastest pace possible before the sun sets, lift 5-ounce hiking poles (2000–4000 reps), arrive at shelter or campsite, throw bag down, curse and/or sigh.
8:00 p.m–9:00 p.m.: prepare 2 cups of boiling water for mac ‘n cheese and hot chocolate. Roll out bed. Sleep.
Repeat for approximately 180 days through 14 states of the Union.
You’ll see results in no time by following this simple regimen. For example, your breasts (if you have them) may become smaller (which may or may not be a good thing depending on your sex) while your knees will swell and become larger. Although your feet may malfunction, the calf and thigh muscles will increase in strength. So, although you may not be able to walk normally, you will look great sitting down. In no time you will have six-pack abs, which should distract people from your hunch-back. Workout video forthcoming; until then, enjoy some random pictures.