The 14-State Weight Loss Plan!

     These days it seems as if every approach to diet and fitness is but a flash in the pan, a passing fad, a gimmick.  You may be searching for a clear solution to the complex problem of nutrition, but instead find a seemingly infinite amount of books and websites, each claiming to contain the secret to success.  How could anyone know where to begin?  Well, search no more!  Finally, a practical and easy solution for better nutrition, higher energy and increased muscle mass.  If this sounds like something you’ve been seeking, read on!

Before breakfast: Pack your clothes, bed and food into a sack,  40-lb maximum

For breakfast: Say a prayer to the stove gods that your stove will work and boil 2 cups water for oatmeal and coffee/tea.

9 a.m.–10 a.m.: Lift 40-lb bag (1 rep) onto back, walk 2 miles (at variable grade), lift 2 5-ounce hiking poles (500 reps), take 40-lbs off (1 rep), change out of sweaty warm clothes, drink a litre of water, lift 40-lb back onto back.

10 a.m.–12:30 p.m.: Carry 40-lbs 2.5 miles up a mountain not of your choice, throw bag down, eat 2 Clif bars, a handful of nuts and a few slices of cheese (with or without crackers).  Take break.  Look around.  Climb fire-tower if available.

1 p.m–4 p.m.: Lift 40-lbs onto back, drink another litre of water, walk/climb 6 miles, lift 5-ounce hiking poles (1500 reps), throw bag down, remove boots, ask self what you are doing with your life, sit down, look around, eat 1 Clif bar and some dark chocolate, stand up.

4:30 p.m.–7:30 p.m.: Lift 40-lbs onto back, consume 1 litre of water, walk 5-10 miles at fastest pace possible before the sun sets, lift 5-ounce hiking poles (2000–4000 reps), arrive at shelter or campsite, throw bag down, curse and/or sigh.

8:00 p.m–9:00 p.m.: prepare 2 cups of boiling water for mac ‘n cheese and hot chocolate.  Roll out bed.  Sleep.

Repeat for approximately 180 days through 14 states of the Union.

You’ll see results in no time by following this simple regimen.  For example, your breasts (if you have them) may become smaller (which may or may not be a good thing depending on your sex) while your knees will swell and become larger.  Although your feet may malfunction, the calf and thigh muscles will increase in strength.  So, although you may not be able to walk normally, you will look great sitting down.  In no time you will have six-pack abs, which should distract people from your hunch-back.  Workout video forthcoming; until then, enjoy some random pictures. 

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  1. #1 by Lindsay Mound on September 18, 2010 - 2:15 am

    Reading this post while eating a deli-made roast beef sandwich at 2am on a Friday night and washing it down with a giant coconut water is probably nnnnnnnnot what you hoped I’d be doing. But I enjoyed your dietary secrets nonetheless. And I think I lost weight looking at your pictures!

    Hurry up, I MISSSSS you!

    • #2 by Emily on September 19, 2010 - 5:24 pm

      Hope, was thinking of you while spending the weekend camping in Shenandoah. Hopefully you make it here in time for Blackberry Milkshakes (they are awesome – I promise!) You had already come such a long way when I met you in the whites … Cant imagine the sense of accomplishment you must be feeling now.

    • #3 by andromedakitts on September 20, 2010 - 5:44 pm

      Roast beef and coconut water?? How do those feel mixed together in there? 🙂 hee hee. I may be coming home soon. It is getting cold and dark and not many hikers around to talk to. So, hopefully I’ll see you soon! xoxo!!

      • #4 by Lindsay Mound on September 25, 2010 - 12:36 am

        Oh my! I just am seeing this reply now. I forgot to sign up for email contact confirmation beep boop bop technology notifications for my blog comments.

        As much as I would LOVE for you to be here. Part of me is addicted to reading about the quest and would equally love you to finish.

        You have my blessing either way.

        LOVE LOVE LOVE you.

  2. #5 by Michael on September 18, 2010 - 10:49 am

    It was great meeting you, Sissy and Mable. Good luck on the trail! This is a great blog and I hope you can keep it up.

    — Michael from the goat

    • #6 by andromedakitts on September 20, 2010 - 5:44 pm

      Hey Michael! Good to hear from you. Where are you now?

      • #7 by andromedakitts on September 20, 2010 - 5:45 pm

        Oh, from the Mountain Goat!! Haha! Thanks for the ride!

  3. #8 by Bagman on September 20, 2010 - 12:03 pm

    Hope,

    I’ve been off trail a week now, doing a 20 on the last day because you and Justin and the guy you met in M Nauheim shelter were all doing 20’s. Still dream of the trail every nite. I enjoyed your blog; you’re a good writer. I offer my “Long Trail Day Three Haiku”:

    Walked fifteen miles.
    Saw a moose.
    Dreamed of climbing jagged rocks.

    Keep having adventures,

    Bagman

    • #9 by andromedakitts on September 20, 2010 - 5:42 pm

      Haha! So good to hear from you! Thanks for reading! How did you know about it? Did I mention it? I’m in Dalton now. Heading out tomorrow. Yes, the trail has become part of my dreams too at this point. So good to meet you.

      Peace,

      Hope

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